an event yet uneventful night

so, i just spent almost 2 hours standing outside the station at elephant and castle waiting for my friend chris, whom i havent seen in i think 4-5 years to come. (note here: i havent yet got a hold of him and i hope that he is alright) i feel a little guilty about going home, but i think that 2 hours of waiting was ok. im now cold and my back hurts.

however, the night wasnt a complete waste of time: a group of teenagers tried to steal my mobile while i was talking on it. the kid who snatched it dropped it, his friend picked it up, i said "can i have it back, please" and he gave it back. i was slightly shaken, seeing as i was alone etc. but that was alright, i got it back. i did see them a second time, and just avoided them.
i also had two men try to pick me up. in the end, the one of them asked me to pray for him and the church. (his line was "hi, my name is paul, but people call me spice (slight pause) because im so hot." he got points just for being funny)

so maybe it wasnt a complete waste. i just really would have liked to see chris. i'll stay up and see if comes online soon. i really hope nothing's happened to him.

love to all. sjb

Golden Ages

i got accused of being childish the other day (ok, ok, i wanted to play M.A.S.H) but it kind of got me thinking. if there is one thing im scared of, is taking myself to seriously and becoming a grown-up grown-up. i read an article in the national geographic today (mom and dad, you probably read it too) about how to grow old (or interviews of people who are a century old). the thing they all had in common was that (it seemed to me) they had not lost their sense of fun, whether it was doing what they enjoyed, loving their work, or flirting with 30 year olds. kind of like the heberlings. thats what i want. i dont want to live that long i dont think. i would be too afraid to die alone. but what i do want is to remain what i was as a child.

jonny preached on sunday on approaching faith in a childish manner. but i want to take that a step further. i hate not trusting people. i hate that i am no longer innocent. i was watching baby sam today during the meeting, loving the fact that he was completely oblivious to the arguments, the tension and the hurt that was around him. i know that i cant be like that, but is it bad that i want to be?

a few days ago, i sat down and wrote down all the things i could remember about my childhood (it didnt start out that way) but that is what it became. i couldnt write down everything as memories are like feathers brushing softly against skin, you cant ever be sure they were really there. but what i did write down was so beautiful to me, that it was hard to deal with. my great-grandpa tickling my brother and i and us pretending that it really did tickle, then going on to watch an ancient superman video (always the same one). snowball fights with matt in the backyard. eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows with britney in front of the fire place, feeling all grown-up.

what bothers me, is that my memories of now will all be tainted one way or another, tainted with some emotion that just didnt seem to be present in those golden ages. i guess its ridiculous, thats just the way it is. but it makes me so sad.

oh, and some of the memories of the most? halloween ones of course! happy halloween, everybody.

Finally Folding

alright alright, mom and everyone else who has been suggesting that i get a blog, im finally doing it. giving in to the pressure, joining the crowd, swimming in the same direction as the rest of the fish. its probably not a bad thing, just something else that ill start and not finish. or something that will distract me from what i should be doing. or not. we'll see.

Right now, i just finished a very interessting team meeting and am now listening to "in over my head" from the fray. thats actually how i feel loads and loads here. but its good. im sure i'll learn loads. i already have. but, back to the team meeting. we've sort of solved some problems, all of us except one. my heart is breaking for him, but i feel that there is really nothing i can do for him but pray. i need to start remembering how much power there is in prayer. you know, the whole "ask and you'll get it" thing, which very few of us seem to understand.

i hate that sense of helplessness. im not really used to it. i guess im just supposed to learn dependance on the one who is so much more of everything than i am. actually, that sense of helplessness is probably more healthy than any sense of capability i may have, as long as i let it be.

thats all for right now. probably more will follow in a few minutes