A personal confession from a frustrated soul

Like any other self-respecting Salvo, I went to Roots this year. I was meant to be on the team I was on last year but for various reasons I ended up not having to work and having a lot of time on my hands. I haven't been in the happiest place recently and was really not in the mood to go to any sessions and listen to what people had to say about reaching Others. I just want to hear what God had to say about me. I did that by doing very little indeed, reading Tom Holt and chilling until the Sunday evening. Sunday evening a woman I have quite a bit of time for was speaking so I decided to go for a listen. She talked about the centurion and repeated again and again the phrase "I have not seen faith like this in the church of God". Every time she said it, it was like a kick to the stomach. Why have we not seen faith like that in the church of God? What would happen if we did? God was begining to wake me up again.

I have been comfronted again again by my own lack of faith in God and in His people (the Church). Why is it that we have so many problems? Why is it that we are so happy to cut each other down behing each other backs and tear each other apart instead of build each other up?

For the past few years I have seen people called by God to do things, do join things, to move things. I have seen people being sure that God wants them somewhere, but then be scared away by the daunting scale of their calling. I've been one of those people. Sandra spoke on Sunday about simple obedience to God. This is something that any Christian is called to do, but it seems to me that since we call ourselves and Army, we should be leading the way in this. What kind of army gets orders and then goes "actually, that is a bit to dangerous, I think that I am going to stay home."?!

I have been hurt time and time again by seeing people who had God's annointing leave our church for one that is more comfortable, more cushy, because of the hurt that they have been through. I look at the Bible, though, and see people time and again go through the same thing. Moses, Jonah, the Israelites in general, Elijah; all of them heard what God was calling them too and said "um, no thanks." and then when they did do it, were often left hurt afterwards. BUT - they still did what God called them to do, even when it was scary, unappealing. What would happen if we did that today? What would happen if we stuck with the churches we are in instead of looking for churches that are popular? What would happen if we did what God called us to do, even if it makes us get dirty, even if it hurts, even if it means sacrificing ourselves?

We are a dying breed, friends, and we need to smarten up and begin taking ourselves and our faith seriously.

A reading warning, A ramble, and A poorly written declaration of love

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you had a bad day and are not in the mood for some raving on how wonderful the world is, turn away now because today (or best said the day after uni) was a beatiful day. Today was yet again one of those days that makes me want to dance, sing, sigh, shed a wee tear and in general shout out because things are beautiful.
It all started with a text that made me aware of what a beatiful day we were having. Someone said that today was the first day that we had that lets us believe that summer is coming again. I couldn't agree more. The sky was a vivid blue with wonderfully candy-floss imitating clouds and the sun was actually warm on my black jeans. That is when the falling in love with today began. It continued when Jess and I left uni at the end of the day and sauntered arm in arm down the Anchor on South Bank. We sat outside (!!!) in January and my love afair with today deepened. After I dropped Jess off at London Bridge Station, I returned to my favourite Starbucks and ordered my favourite White Chocolate Mocha and sat and read for an hour. They were playing great jazz which made me almost buzz with happinest by the time I left there. I'm not a drug taking girl, but I don't believe that the buzz good jazz gives me can be far off a high from drugs. I carried on the good music trip with my ever-handy and obliging mp3 player and decided to saunter along South Bank home. When I say saunter, I mean I walked as slowly as I possibly could, drinking in the beautiful lights that always remind me of fairy homes, the Globe where I imagined living at the time of Shakespeare and going to see a play, freshly penned, and the white house right next door where I imagined living someday.
I didn't want to come home. I was drinking the fresh air (trying to ignore the masses of exhaust that I was inhaling as well) and loving being by myself outside. I need to do that more. Goodness me, London can be beautiful sometimes. I think that that is all I have to say for today.
Anyways, it is too bad none of you were with me today. We could have danced.

a new post, a sleeping problem and a list

Last night I couldn't sleep. Usually when I can't sleep, I make up conversations, scenarios, or yes, even write sermons in my head, and then usually I do fall asleep. Last night, whilst stuggling to keep my eyes open, I wrote out a blog (in my head of course), about the fact that I couldn't sleep and all the frustrations that that brings with it. It was entertaining, witty and well written. That evening I had had a conversation about blogging and it was the first thing that came to mind when I asked myself the nightly question "What are you going to put yourself to sleep with tonight, Sarah?" This seemed like as good a solution as any.
It wasn't. I ended up laying awake until 5, not because the thoughts I had in my head were so overwhelmingly and fascinatingly interesting, but because I was cold, and then too hot, and then too cold again but was too busy thinking to notice that this was what was keeping me awake.
That having been said, if I hadn't stayed up later than reason should allow, I would not be lying here, on my couch, writing and dozing like an old granny. Instead, here is a list of what I would/could and maybe should be doing instead:
1. Going to Laos (youth church thing)
2. Cleaning my room (the builders are coming tomorrow to fix something)
3. Getting myself a drink (my tongue is so dry i could sand a table with it)
4. Take a bath (this I may still do)
5. Attempt to detangle my windchime-shell thing
6. Unpack. This I really need to do, along with some laundry

Those are six very good, interesting or productive things that I could be doing. Instead, I am lying on my chesterfield and the sleep that refused to come last night is fighting with my almost comatose body to make me give in. I must be the perfect sleep temperature. If only this had been last night...

A big country, A big people, A big portion

So, it has been over a month since I have written something here and I suspect that my reader-audience (or the few that I had) have given up on me. Oh well, I am here again. I am here in Canada now, visiting family and spending my grandmother's money... good times.
You know the saying that everything is bigger in America? I think the same goes for Canada. I was going to take a picture of a toilet seat today. "Why?" you may well ask. "Surely a toilet seat is a toilet seat is a toliet seat, especially in WalMart." But that is where I would tell you that you are wrong. This toilet seat was HUGE! I swear that I was almost sitting in the water, I could barely fit. On the plus side, this seat made me feel quite slim, on the downside... why do they need such big toilets?! Well, a breakfast experience in Michigan can help enlighten I am sure...
My Aunt wanted to give my mom and I a special start to our ladies day out. The special start was called Tony's. I ordered french toast, my aunt ordered us all bacon to share. There was ONE POUND of bacon!!!!! There were 6 of us and we could barely finish it. The amount of food that people were eating... again I wish I took a picture... my conversation with my mom consisted solely of "oh my days!!!! Look what she is eating." Or my mom saying to me "Sarah! Look! He's got that pound of bacon all to himself!" I felt a bit sick when we left.
Fat people seem to rule the roost here. I have walked over half as much as I walk back home, I swear I have already gained weight and I have actually begun craving vegetables.
However, I am enjoying the comparably cheap prices, and most of the stuff that I have bought so far has been for work: craft supplies, decorations for the youth club that we are starting up in October (for a party that will be around the Halloween time). It's all been really fun so far. We'll see how much longer that lasts.
Well, that's all from the Land of Big. I will blog again soon.

WE WON!!!!!!

This post warrants a break from the normal 3 divide in my blogs because....
GERMANY WON!!!!!!!!
Against all odds we held up against Argentina. We seemed to be matched perfectly to each other... play by play matched. Until the shoot out, where we just excelled with such grace and confidence. I love it. I am too embarrased to say what my reaction was but it was pretty patriotic and a bit pathetic :)
Bring on the semi-final!!!!

A list (two), A few regrets (7), and A moving on

aAnother one within a few minutes... feel free to overload (is that the right word? it's really late and I'm kind of distracted by the last song of the Spice Girls...)
Something that I wanted to write in here is a list of things that I have always wanted to become that I now know that I will never be (probably) and need to let go of, so here goes:
I wanted to but never will be:
1. Two or three stone lighter and a ballet dancer
2. Four or five stone heavier and an opera singer
3. Nurse
4. Mother Teresa
5. Giraffe photographer
6. Villager on komodo island
7. 21 year old mother
8. Archealogist
9. Egyptologist
10. Farmer's wife
11. Owner of cows
12. Au Pair
13. Teacher (in a school)
14. Brilliant author
15. The female Billy Graham
16. Jesus's best follower (really best, like perfect)
17. Interior Designer
18. Architect
19. Historian
20. Journalist for National Geographic
21. Ambassador
22. Artist/Poet
23. Completely selfless
24. Disciplined
25. Bar tender
26. General
27. Princess

Things I wish I did and would do if I could go back:
1. Sing in the talent show. I was going to sing the opening song of the Lion King but my partner ditched me for someone better the day before. I hid in the back and watched everyone audition, heard them call my name and just didnt go.
2. Tell the kids who bullied me how much their words did hurt. "Words can never hurt me" Whoever coined that phrase was talking a load of crap.
3. Keep in contact with people who mean a lot to me.
4. Help mom out at home more without complaining.
5. Do my homework like Miss Eels told me too.
6. Just say no to getting drunk.
7. Think more before saying yes.

I think that living in the past can keep you from moving forward. I needed to let these dreams and regrets go. Now I can go to sleep and dream about what is to come.

A weakness, A strange situation and A waste of 2 days

At club today I was swiftly conned into getting some chicken and chips by one of the people there eating it in front of me. This culinary delicacy in Britain is basically fat with the side of chicken and frys. The epitome of English cooking. I wasn't even very hungry, but I could not resist the temptation. The spirit is willing but the flesh is so very weak... "Is Gordon's waist bigger than mine, Sarah?" a certain Nick asked, just before I left to get myself the afore-mentioned heart attack. It took a minute to answer for the following reasons:
1. I wanted to make sure that I hadn't misheard him as I had already ran into problems with my hearing a few times that night
2. I was confounded that this was a man asking this question
3. I didn't want to be drawn into one of their twisted mind-games that they are often playing.
So, when I thought this through and came to the conclusion that there could be no danger, I answered that I thought Gordon was the slightly wider of the two. Nick looked smug and proceded to ask others who were standing around the same question. I began to wonder where exactly this was leading.
This is the reason as far as I understoond it:
Nick had lent Gordon some shorts in which to play football/soccer and Nick seemed to believe that his shorts wouldn't fit Gordon and suggested that he may need a belt to hold the shorts up, at which Gordon took slight offence... basically Nick wanted to prove that his worrying was justified, which it was, as Gordon does look a bit bigger, but Gordon won in the end as the shorts fitted. After all this, I was left wondering what the point was as the fit him in the end but men are men and always want to win... At least I had a hearty laugh out of it and Gordon was able to tell us about his wonderful display of football genius...

Two more things of note:

1. Jesus came to release us from oppression and changed world order, High Anglican liturgy worship sucks and we should challenge it. Dialogue with God is important. That is a summary of what it took a man two days to tell my class. I feel cheated of two days. No chance I can get them back, eh?

2. The Spice Girls are very underrated.

A poster, a Problem (or two) and a Solution (or not)

I am sitting in my community placement, a lovely little youth club in Poplar, London and it is plastered in facts in figures that politically-minded Roz has posted everywhere to help kids see the outside world. They are covered in shocking figures such as up to 3.5 million people around the world have aids, smoking kills, 70 people die in road accidents per week, traffic is the biggest killer of 12-16 year olds etc etc. Do these figures leave you a bit cold? Me too. I feel hardened to the problems in the world like this because I'm so busy worrying about myself.
These are my problems:
- I am about 30£ in the minus
- I am really, REALLY tired
- I have new people moving in in a few weeks
- I am flying to Canada in August and I don't know if I can pack suitably
- I miss home
- Work isn't always amazing
- I'm single and oddly alright with it
Big problems, eh? Maybe I should make a poster with them listed to explain the kids here that I suffer too. How selfish am I?
Right now I'm shaking my head at myself. I can solve all these problems within the next week. I get paid on monday and then will be a glorious 10£ in the plus, I will get some sleep next week, I will see the people moving in as a brilliant new step in life, I will call my grandmother to ask what I need to bring, I will call my mommy and have a chat and work will always be not 100% brilliant.
I can't solve the aids problem though, or the road problem, but what I can do is try and remember and care. Bless Roz for the posters.