A faulty light
(just a warning, this post has been written in a time of high emotional stress)
Once, ages ago, someone gave me the verses in Matthew 5:14-16, saying that they were verses meant for me. I guess at the time it made sense. Sitting in bus today, driving past these Christmas lights in a tree got me thinking. They were blinking on and off, making the tree look like it was full of fairies flying around. It made me think of those verses though, and illustrated exactly how I feel and see my faith at the moment. I am such an on and off Christian. I am such a faulty light that I don't know how God puts up with it. I'm like a light connected to a faulty wire, or a candle that keeps burning out that constantly has to be relit.
I know that God uses people who are weak so that He can be strong, I know that His perfection is shown through our imperfection... I know all of it but I just can't see it for me. I want so much to be the best I can be, I want to do things out of my own strength. I am so full of pride, I find it impossible to be dependant on others. I refuse to accept help when offered and most certainly won't burden others with my problems.
God uses broken people. That's good for me because right now I feel like I'm on the edge. Someone said today that they feel like they are either always falling into or are already in a huge black whole and all I could think was, "I'm right in there with you". I guess the question is, am I ready to be pulled out? I guess the question could also be "am I ready to have my connection fixed?"
Once, ages ago, someone gave me the verses in Matthew 5:14-16, saying that they were verses meant for me. I guess at the time it made sense. Sitting in bus today, driving past these Christmas lights in a tree got me thinking. They were blinking on and off, making the tree look like it was full of fairies flying around. It made me think of those verses though, and illustrated exactly how I feel and see my faith at the moment. I am such an on and off Christian. I am such a faulty light that I don't know how God puts up with it. I'm like a light connected to a faulty wire, or a candle that keeps burning out that constantly has to be relit.
I know that God uses people who are weak so that He can be strong, I know that His perfection is shown through our imperfection... I know all of it but I just can't see it for me. I want so much to be the best I can be, I want to do things out of my own strength. I am so full of pride, I find it impossible to be dependant on others. I refuse to accept help when offered and most certainly won't burden others with my problems.
God uses broken people. That's good for me because right now I feel like I'm on the edge. Someone said today that they feel like they are either always falling into or are already in a huge black whole and all I could think was, "I'm right in there with you". I guess the question is, am I ready to be pulled out? I guess the question could also be "am I ready to have my connection fixed?"
posted by Sarah at 2:39 PM
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