1:30 am
alright, here it is, one thirty am in the morning. i got back about an hour ago from prayer, which was really good and havent been able to sleep. that is probably my own fault, i brought the laptop to bed.
do you know that feeling of unsettlement? the one that makes you want to throw something against a wall for no reason, or throw-up out of sheer frustration, or cry although you know you can't, or scream although you know you won't. the darned knots in your belly that just won't go away? the one that is not helped by listening to music that seems to be saying exactly what i want to say to someone, but can't because that someone doesn't exist. there are some things that no one really wants to hear.
did you ever want to be someone else? i always wanted to be anne shirley from anne of green gables. hm. right now i feel like the girl from the song "so beautiful" from dashboard confessional. "your smile is in place so that everyone watching can see".
the world looked so beautiful tonight, in a sad, distant kind of way. it wasn't the kind of beauty you could be a part of, no matter how hard you tried. it has finally become cold enough to have a delicate frost, the kind that announces winter with a whisper. it felt like if you touched a part of it, it would disappear. i celebrated this beginning of winter by twirling on the sidewalk and almost hitting a passer-by, much to ben's horror. im so afraid of my soul aging that i do anything to keep it young. physically i don't mind growing old, but if i were to realise that my soul were old... often i do this at the most public of times, much to the embarrasment of whoever is with me (sorry if that happened to be you...)
God is so easy to find outside. does anyone else feel like he made sunsets just for them? or snow? or autumn? i can't help but celebrate and rejoice (for lack of a better word) at the beauty that i find everywhere, even in the concrete world that is elephant and castle. maybe the unsettled feeling comes from wanting to be a part of that beauty. i wish i were something more than i am.
ah well. it's almost 2 now, so i'm going to go to bed.
do you know that feeling of unsettlement? the one that makes you want to throw something against a wall for no reason, or throw-up out of sheer frustration, or cry although you know you can't, or scream although you know you won't. the darned knots in your belly that just won't go away? the one that is not helped by listening to music that seems to be saying exactly what i want to say to someone, but can't because that someone doesn't exist. there are some things that no one really wants to hear.
did you ever want to be someone else? i always wanted to be anne shirley from anne of green gables. hm. right now i feel like the girl from the song "so beautiful" from dashboard confessional. "your smile is in place so that everyone watching can see".
the world looked so beautiful tonight, in a sad, distant kind of way. it wasn't the kind of beauty you could be a part of, no matter how hard you tried. it has finally become cold enough to have a delicate frost, the kind that announces winter with a whisper. it felt like if you touched a part of it, it would disappear. i celebrated this beginning of winter by twirling on the sidewalk and almost hitting a passer-by, much to ben's horror. im so afraid of my soul aging that i do anything to keep it young. physically i don't mind growing old, but if i were to realise that my soul were old... often i do this at the most public of times, much to the embarrasment of whoever is with me (sorry if that happened to be you...)
God is so easy to find outside. does anyone else feel like he made sunsets just for them? or snow? or autumn? i can't help but celebrate and rejoice (for lack of a better word) at the beauty that i find everywhere, even in the concrete world that is elephant and castle. maybe the unsettled feeling comes from wanting to be a part of that beauty. i wish i were something more than i am.
ah well. it's almost 2 now, so i'm going to go to bed.
posted by Sarah at 1:55 AM
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